When parents and children become estranged, the idea of repairing the relationship can seem impossible. It can be painful, complex, and lingering, and it can exacerbate other traumas and other mental health concerns on both sides.

If you've ever glanced to the side during a family gathering only to see an empty chair, or sent a text over the holidays only to have it bounce, you know the pain of estrangement. More and more families are experiencing these feelings, too; estrangement rates are rising, with as many as 26% of adults estranged from a parent or child.

What can be done? Sometimes, irreconcilable differences get in the way of reconciliation. Other times, family reunification therapy can help, especially between adults who genuinely want to work on the relationship.

What kinds of unique challenges need to be addressed with estrangement, and how can family therapy help? If you're hoping to reconcile, what resources are available here in Michigan? Let's discuss everything you need to know.

DISCLAIMER: This article is for informational and educational purposes only and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. The information presented here is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any mental health condition or replace professional therapeutic care. Every individual's experience with trauma and mental health is unique. Please consult with a qualified mental health professional, therapist, or healthcare provider to determine the most appropriate treatment approach for your specific situation. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or emergency, please contact your local emergency services or crisis hotline immediately.

What is Estrangement from an Adult Child?

When discussing estrangement and the potential for reunification therapy, it's important to understand specifically what we're talking about.

Estrangement is not:

• An argument followed by days or weeks of low or no contact to cool off.
• Long distance and busy schedules keeping you from contacting each other.
• Gradual and unintentional drifting apart.
• Separation due to early childhood issues like divorce and custody concerns.

There are many forms of low-contact relationships that can still be overall an extant relationship.

Estrangement is a deliberate and sustained distancing, or a complete cut-off of contact. It's often (and increasingly) initiated by one member of the pair. It may be in response to environmental, social, political, or interpersonal factors, and can have many possible root causes. We've seen everything from arguments over parenting to oppositional positions on the political spectrum and more.

Estrangement also doesn't have to be fully zero contact. It can still be estrangement, with all of the emotional strain and related feelings, with low contact or selective contact. If your child or parent only accepts contact in the case of medical emergencies, only for holidays, or only in specific situations, it can still be considered estrangement for the purposes of family therapy.

What Causes Estrangement Between Parents and Adult Children?

Often, for one party, estrangement feels like a bolt from the blue. It's unexpected, it comes out of nowhere, it's harsh and punitive. You feel like a minor slight was blown out of proportion, and an entire relationship was thrown away because of it.

For the other party, this has been brewing for a long time. The inciting incident is just one in a long string of incidents, microaggressions and fights, and other build-up of negativity and emotions that finally come to a head. In their view, the first party has had chance after chance, and they've blown them all.

Most often, this estrangement is a child cutting off their parent, but this isn't universally the case. Parents can and do cut off children as well, though often for different ranges of reasons. Neither action is any less valid.

Estrangement is not something with a singular trigger, most of the time. It's usually the accumulation of several different causes, any of which can be dealt with individually, but together make up more of a burden than the initiator finds worth trying to bear. Common causes can include, for example:

• Emotional, physical, or even sexual abuse from childhood.
• Continual feelings of being unseen, unheard, dismissed, and invalidated, even as an adult.
• Being stuck in toxic family dynamics, such as being the family scapegoat, having a sibling be shown favoritism, or enmeshment (the prioritization of closeness over boundaries).
• Parenting styles best described as narcissistic or controlling.
• Numerous, ongoing, or severe unresolved conflicts that are not acknowledged or addressed.
• Severe differences in personal values, religious perspectives, and/or political stances that reach a breaking point.
• Traumatic events, PTSD, and other relational injuries that shape a relationship and how it progresses.
• External stressors building on or exacerbating existing conflicts.
• Conflicts over LGBTQ+ revelations and explorations in personal identity.
• Previous relationships ending, along with grief, estrangement, or deaths that have been left unprocessed.

There can also be other factors that play a significant role. Existing mental illness, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, trauma, and other issues, can all affect relationships and lead to behaviors that either cause or exacerbate the inciting events.

Estrangement can also go beyond the relationship just between two people. It can be brought on by or made worse because of multigenerational trauma, the influence of in-laws and conflicts in such relationships, and it can be catalyzed by major life transitions like marriage, divorce, or illness.

Is Reconciliation Even Possible?

Maybe you've tried to reach out, but you've been stonewalled at every turn. Maybe you've found a tentative connection, but slip into old habits and fall back off.

Reconciliation and reunification are difficult. And, in some cases, it may not be realistically possible. But, it's possible more often than many people think, as long as both parties are willing to approach the process with genuine intent and good faith.

What's the difference? We've used reunification and reconciliation somewhat interchangeably throughout this post, but they're actually slightly different. Reunification is a resumption of contact and even shared space, and can even be court-ordered in some cases. Reconciliation is a deeper and more fundamental restoration of the relationship, built through resolving traumas, rebuilding trust, and repairing the foundation of the relationship.

Both parent and child need to have a genuine, real desire to reconnect with one another. Even if it's more ambivalence than desire, as long as it's not aggression or a complete antipathy, it can be possible.

Often, one of the biggest roadblocks to reunification is an unwillingness to put in the effort. It's particularly common when the party that was cut off feels like they've done no wrong, that they are the victim being harmed, and they refuse to see the other side of the issue and how their actions could have contributed to the situation.

Emotional safety is also important. Often, estrangement happens as a protective measure to remove a source of significant stress (and even sometimes physical violence). If they don't feel like they can have that safety, that opening back up puts themselves or their loved ones at risk; reconciliation is unlikely.

Typically, reunification and reconciliation also require at least some amount of personal and emotional growth from one or both parties. Simply returning to the status quo that causes the problems in the first place won't be helpful to either party. They say "time heals all wounds", but more than just time passing needs to occur for that to hold true.

With the right mindset and the willingness to put in the work, reunification is entirely possible. It can feel like an insurmountable bar to clear, but it's entirely possible for many estranged parents and children to build a new relationship while escaping the negative patterns and behaviors that led to the conflict in the first place.

When Estrangement Can't Be Repaired

Unfortunately, sometimes estrangement simply can't be repaired. Some instances are obvious; courts, therapists, and others won't advocate for reconciliation that places an individual in harm's way, such as returning them to a situation that includes ongoing abuse or violence.

DARVO behavior is also a common roadblock. DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a common description of the behavior of abuse, encompassing a spectrum of situations, ranging from emotional abusers to abusive bosses to gaslighters and more. It's even seen in cases of law and financial abuse.

If reunification is being sought to placate other family members or other external pressures, it's unlikely to go well. Again, for it to succeed, both parties must have at least some buy-in to the process, some desire for it to happen.

Additionally, if one or both parties involved have other mental illnesses or substance use that is left untreated, the better route to take is to work on addressing those issues first, and proceed to family therapy to work on the relationships damaged by those challenges later.

It's important to remember that estrangement is a boundary to push back against unhealthy behaviors. It is not, itself, necessarily harmful, despite how it may feel to the estranged. It's not a failure state.

How Does Family Therapy Work for Estrangement?

If both the parent and the child are ready to attempt reunification, family therapy with the goal of reunification or reconciliation can begin. But what is it, and how does it work?

Family reunification therapy is a particular kind of family therapy aimed specifically at repairing a broken relationship between family members.

Despite having a similar name, family reunification therapy is different from reunification therapy in the context of a court order. Court-ordered reunification therapy is seen in cases of divorce and custody. It's similar, but distinct enough that it's not quite what we're talking about.

Family therapy for estrangement is about identifying and addressing harm. It's not about adjudicating or arbitrating past conflicts. Asking your therapist to determine who was right is not appropriate.

The process for reunification therapy looks a little something like this.

First, an assessment. The therapist will meet with each party individually to evaluate readiness. They will figure out if both parties are in a place where they can approach reconciliation with an open heart and mind, or if there are too many roadblocks for family therapy to be effective. They will also evaluate whether or not there could be safety hazards for either party should therapy progress.

If it's determined that therapy can proceed, structured meetings are set up. These typically involve picking a neutral, safe space, often a therapist's office, where both parties can feel safe and able to express their feelings without judgment, escalation, or repercussions. The emphasis is on constructive discussion, on building understanding and common ground.

Through family therapy sessions, the therapist will work with both parties and with structured, planned discussions to work through identifying and processing previous conflicts and harms. The goal is to acknowledge, take accountability, process grief, and build a new foundation.

It's important to remember that the goal here is not to return to the old relationship. The old relationship and the old status quo are what led to the estrangement in the first place. Family therapy focuses on building a new relationship, based on mutual understanding and respect.

Ongoing therapy sessions, both individually and with your family therapist, serve to build on this foundation, help prevent relapse into old ways, manage setbacks, and provide continuing support.

Reunification therapy doesn't always work, and in some cases, it can't. Some relationships cannot be salvaged. But, reunification therapy can provide a venue for a dignified end to the relationship, rather than the conflict-laden and burdened end it previously had.

Michigan Resources for Family Reunification Therapy

Finding help for estrangement is possible. Here in the Detroit area, there are many family therapists available, including our team at BMC-Troy. Not all family therapists can provide reunification therapy, but many can, and the best way to learn is to ask. To discuss your situation and your needs with us, call our office at 248.528.9000.

In many cases, the first step for reunification therapy is individual therapy, to build the foundation you can use to address the estranged relationship in a constructive and healthy way. To that end, we also provide a range of different individual therapy options, which can transition to family therapy as well. To get started, you can fill out our new patient packet right here on our website.

If time has passed and you're looking to restore an estranged relationship with your parent or adult child, we can help. Parent-child relationships can be very complex, but you don't have to try to go it alone. Help is available, so reach out and get the ball rolling today.